is it me? is it i din get myself (& my concerns) across too clearly or i simply trusted tat ppl juz knew wat i wan? i guessed i shd hav learnt nvr 2 pin my hopes on anything since at the end of the day, i'm still stucked at i am & i dunno when can i go. this is really really sad 4 me. i walked into the ofc tdy realising all ard me r collz, not frens which meant i was bored out the whole time & i really wished itz the last time i ever had 2 be in tat place when i walked out tdy. i hope, i pin, i dream of the day i could finally do tat but tat day doesn't look in sight & i'm juz pretty upset.
SC said i wasn't making an effort 2 mix into HER group coz i cun join them again tmr nite but i already set up an appt. there is no way i'm dropping my long-time pals 4 an awkward session & i was informed by her only tdy. i find her words totally unfair but i din say much again, juz like how some unglamorous power struggles stuffs cnt be said 2 me but could be conveyed 2 others. it made me felt like a 2nd-grade fren & itz not the 1st time i felt left out like this. not tat we muz definitely share such stuffs but i guess tat feeling of left out is plain sucky when u tot we r quite gd pals. so i dunno if she will ever understand my situation like how i guess everyone will hav 2 suffice their secrets when i'm ard & i had 2 smile awkwardly when i dun understand their jokes if i ever join THEIR gathering. y shd i subject ppl & myself 2 the situation juz bcoz i wan 2 mix in & top of all, i'm not part of THEIR group? okok, i noe the argument, if i nvr ever try, i will forever be lonely. too bad 4 myself then but i juz dun feel like entertaining. i dun mean 2 complain but i hav been bottling it up 4 sometime.
is tat y i dun hav as much frens as i might hav like 2 hav? i'm comfy wif the current 'frens' state tho.
btw, i heard agnes b cheaper in japan & we juz got the tentative confirmation tat the trip is still on at this moment. i really hope the trip is on.
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