dun hav 2 worry...

got in finally...some pros wif logging in juz now...

itz sep liao!!! finally...i managed 2 stay 4 a mth on the job! i tin i'm beginning 2 empathise wif shiling's job sense more & more (no...i'm not fighting wif her 2 be star***'s most LOYAL employee...haha). i dun really like the enviroment...itz like a sch...scary...an extension of a certain tertiary institution. i was so not used 2 it, then i found out i lack audit sense in my brains...i'm hvg the newcomer's syndrome...confused by all the doc & how they link...maybe i do nid some homework. i'm stressing myself up again, the work perfectionist in me...i guess i really nid 2 relax but peak period is up soon & anyway, my schedule is rather packed, i'll immense myself in wk bah & try not tin so much...then there will be no more insonmia, loss of appetite...siao ley me, wk until like tat & i dun earn much 4 all this...ha

i tin i had insonmia last nite bcoz i was thinking abt life & death last nite...i was vy surprised 2 read abt crocodile hunter, steve irwin's death...my last vivid memory of him was seeing him on tv telling us not 2 bring certain items into aus while clearing customs. i remember getting quite nervy seeing tat coz i was trying 2 bring in a lotus root (under eliz's advice) which was not allowed...wat a irony & final twist 2 his life. i juz simply felt vy sad upon reading the news...the meaning here once again is u cun take things 4 granted...wat or who might be here tdy might be not the nex day...so so sad yet itz an unavoidable aspect of life. i nvr like thinking how wld i feel if ppl dearest 2 me moved out of my life 1 day, i get totally upset & terrified wif the slightest tot...i remember crying myself 2 sleep when i tot of how ppl ard me wld leave me 1 day. i do quite dread being alone when my family goes away 4 their holidays. itz so much worse than 'if u got a choice 2 be alone & u chose it'...therez like no channel 2 drive away the loneliness...maybe bcoz i do feel rather lonely at wk now...yes, i hav ppl ard me but itz juz so so diff. miss hvg juliet, doris & kelly 2 tok 2 & we can tok abt anything, dun hav 2 withhold anything bcoz we understand each other. sometimes, i asked myself, y am i struggling 2 adapt? is it really tat bad or i juz simply dun wan 2 adapt? y do i constantly affect myself wif all these tots when i hav told myself 2 let go, be myself, be happy? but deep deep inside, i noe i'm unhappy...i broke down into tears vy often, i dunno when's the last time i've laughed really happily & i tin i'm at the unhappiest period of my life so far...yet sometimes i find it hard communicating 2 ppl on my feelings. they will prob tell me itz like this or look at me like some weirdo, thinking i'm a spoilt brat who cun stand the slightest stuffs. sometimes i tin perhaps my communication is not gd, ppl mistook my points & i do get tired of toking aft a while. is changing 2 adapt the only way 4 survival? wat happens 2 happiness? dun i nid 2 be happy, if not y do i survive at all? 2 mk ppl share my unhappiness? argh...i tin i'm getting carried away wif all these, btw, ppl at my workplace r quite nice so far but...therez always a but. i miss my buddies. maybe it wld be better if therez msn during wk, at least i dun feel so disconnected.

oh no, got 2 sleep liao...itz gonna be a long day tmr...gg 4 forbidden city, actually glad i'm meeting the gals...i nid sanity BUT i dun tin they will provide me wif tat...haha.

2 mths 2 go...maybe tatz when my sanity will come back...=P